What is it about love? That it can be so amazing, so wonderful and then so painful and lonely. It can lift you up and take you to the heights and then make you feel so small and tiny.
…but love heals.
So what’s the deal with love?
Is it attachment? When we get fixed onto an idea? That I must have you, that you must have me, that we must be together. That the only way I can be happy is through you; you are the key, you are the door to my happiness.
So much suffering when we cannot get the fix of love.
So much suffering when that one does not call, does not text, when you feel that that one is ignoring you.
So much suffering when we must ache alone, lovelorn and gone cold turkey, veins throbbing for a needleful of pure love to deliver our euphoria.
And where is love? Is it something I can be given, something I can hold and taste? Is it something I can go and buy, today? Because I have a credit card…
Is it something you have for me, like a gift? And what happens when it’s not my birthday any more? Will it still be given?
Ah, the suffering of not receiving any more love presents.
The Loved One’s all, the Lovers just a screen,
A dead thing; while The Loved One lives unseen.
Real love, what he calls ‘The Loved One’ is ‘unseen’, out of our sight behind the ‘screen’ of the lovers.
Rumi seems to be saying that your lover is not love itself. It is just the signpost to love, The Loved One.
And while falling in love and orgasm seem to be the heights of love, they are also the heights of despair, when we no longer get them.
So what, who or where is this ‘Loved One’? How can it possibly be ‘all’?
Well, all by definition, is complete.
When I am in love, I feel complete.
I feel like I need nothing else. I have lain awake in the early days of relationships, gazing into my lover’s eyes for hours. Not wanting anything else. Not sleep, not food, not to be anywhere else in the world.
Love is wanting nothing else but this.
This is all. This is The Loved One. This is true love.
Recently I have been working very strongly with my desire.
Circumstances mean that I am currently spending time with somebody for whom I have an attraction. Although I am attracted, I am being a good friend first, as this person is going through a healing process with their own relationship.
What I didn’t expect was that this process would be healing me, too.
I am a dreamer. I love to imagine and make up stories. Old Me would by now have dreamed up a future for my and my attractee, a whole ten year plan, a gorgeous feast of nothingness, fanciful castles in the air; a giant bubble that would burst as soon as I realised that this love was unrequited.
But this time it is different.
I sense I am attracted, but I am not inventing stories.
The attraction is powerful, but it is workable.
My desire is very strong at times (Aries Moon), but is not an inferno that consumes me.
These feelings are there, but they have space within me.
Thoughts of attraction come up, but they do not fill my mind.
Maybe it is because I am going away to Tenerife for a year.
Maybe it is because these days I love myself a little bit more.
Maybe it is because my spiritual practice calls me to help end suffering first.
Maybe it is because I am training to see my own mind and my emotions through meditation.
I feel freed. Being with someone I find attractive and not acting on that attraction has freed me. For years I allowed desire to cage me. I have totally lost my cool, lost my head, lost my way over love prospects. For years I have told myself epic tales of what if? when in reality mi amor was not the slightest bit interested.
This time, I am witnessing what my mind does with attraction. Attraction is like a beautiful flower seed. Like all seeds, it can only grow if it receives energy – from sunlight, water and nourishment. I can see the seedling of attraction there, but I refuse to give it energy.
Sometimes I want to water that seed, but then I remember the other two plants in the greenhouse, the plant called ‘helping others find happiness’ and the plant called ‘going away for a year’. These two plants are not invisible. They are real; they are my pride and joy and I would not risk their health for a seedling that will die before the summer ends.
Maybe too it is because I experience The Loved One more and more, without any partner.
When I stop to admire a cherry blossom tree, or breathe slowly through an intense yoga pose, or suck a piece of dark chocolate until it melts in my mouth, The Loved One is there.
In The Loved One I am complete. I am happy, contented, loved and not wanting for anything.
Love is wanting nothing else but this.
And we can have this any time : )