The three components of self-compassion

1_OxPMWDQ1SXUdGG-EXgDBBQ.pngWhen things go wrong, how do we treat ourselves? What comes to your mind?

—Perhaps some self-criticism, being hard on ourselves?

—Feeling isolated or avoiding others for fear of shame?

—Ignoring our own painful feelings and distracting ourselves with entertainment, food, drink?

If, in recalling and reading this, we find we’re feeling a bit down about ourselves, we could place a hand on our heart or give our arm a reassuring rub. We could tell ourselves it’s okay, we’re all hard on ourselves at times. And we could perhaps encourage ourselves with some self-talk like, “May I be kind to myself in this moment.” Taking a moment to really feel that warmth and reassurance.

Here, we just practised all three components of self-compassion.

Mindfulness

In order to soothe our suffering, we first need to recognise our suffering. So mindfulness means simply being aware of our feelings and how painful they are, without getting carried away in the drama of the storyline.

Common humanity

How many times, when we fail or something goes wrong, do we feel, “This shouldn’t be happening!” Remembering others face the same challenges helps us feel normal. We’re not alone in our suffering. We all make mistakes, all of the time. Can we start to see this as part of the human condition?

Self-kindness

This means actively soothing and comforting ourselves when we experience suffering. Genuinely wishing ourselves to be happy and expressing that in our words or actions. Over time, this rewrites the scripts in our brains that trigger self-judgement, and self-kindness becomes our new default.

“A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life.” ~ Chris Germer

I’m very grateful that I recently experienced this. In a future post, I’ll be sharing a personal story of using self-compassion in the face of unexpected suffering.

Still feeling skeptical? Worried that self-compassion might turn you into a wuss? Coming soon: what the research says about self-compassion as a key factor in building resilience. We’ll also be exploring the courageous, active aspects of self-compassion.

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Content gratefully adapted from the Mindful Self-Compassion Teacher Training Course. Lyndi is a graduate of this course, based on the work of Kristin Neff and Chris Germer. Find out more or register for an MSC course in Brisbane.

 

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Being a friend to myself: a self-reflection exercise

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This reflection exercise can help us understand if there’s a difference in the compassion we show to others and the compassion we show to ourselves.

During this reflection exercise, we’ll be reflecting on how we treat our friends and how we treat ourselves. We can do this either with pen and paper, or without.

You’ll need to put aside about 10 minutes to do this.

“Be gentle with yourself, learn to love yourself, to forgive yourself, for only as we have the right attitude toward ourselves can we have the right attitude toward others.” ~ Wilfred Peterson.

Taking a few moments to sit and settle into the present moment. Making ourselves comfortable. Allowing ourselves a few easy, deep breaths… with a sense of ‘letting go’ on the out-breath. Then allowing the breath to settle into a natural rhythm. Closing the eyes and scanning through the body from head to toe, noticing any areas where we’re subtly holding onto tension… and bringing some kindness to those areas. Perhaps even offering ourselves a silent inner ‘Awww…’, allowing our heart to melt a bit with each ‘Awww.’ If we like, using the out-breath as an opportunity to let go of tension a little bit more each time.

Now bringing to mind a time a close friend was suffering in some way. Maybe they made a mistake or felt rejected or inadequate in some way. How did you respond to your friend? What did you say? What tone of voice did you use? What gestures did you use? Did you hug them or make physical contact in some reassuring way?

Writing down or remembering what we have discovered.

Now bringing to mind times we have suffered. Maybe we made a mistake or felt rejected or inadequate in some way. How did we respond to ourselves? What did we say? What tone of voice did we use? What gestures did we use? Did you hug ourselves or use a soothing touch to reassure ourselves?

Writing down or remembering what we have discovered.

Now letting go of any images or memories and comparing notes. Is there a difference in the way we treat ourselves and others?

If we find a difference, can we bring some acceptance and forgiveness to this discovery? Perhaps placing a hand on our heart or giving our arm a reassuring rub. We’re all hard on ourselves or others at times. This is normal. So it’s okay, if you discovered that.

Perhaps there’s some intention you’d like to make, coming out of this exercise?

And if you find this experience has been difficult for you, you might want to try using a Self-Compassion Break… and feel free to get in touch.

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Content gratefully adapted from the Mindful Self-Compassion Teacher Training Course. Lyndi is a graduate of this course, based on the work of Kristin Neff and Chris Germer. Find out more or register for an MSC course in Brisbane.

What is self-compassion?

 

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Simply put, self-compassion is treating ourselves in the same way we treat a good friend.

Maintaining a good quality friendship requires us to do a few things… to pay attention to our friend, to be kind to our friend and to see ourselves as equally important.

Would you enjoy the friendship of someone who never called you, was always critical of you and saw themselves as better than you? What about someone who avoided you, was scared of you and felt inferior to you? In either case, very difficult to maintain a genuine friendship.

Now imagine the friend who is always there for you, who always supports you; someone with whom you have a lot in common. Easy to be their friend, right? Not just rewarding and fun, but genuine friendship often brings out the best in both people.

Imagine if we could befriend ourselves in the same way? This is self-compassion, and like having a good friendship with someone else, relating well to ourselves also brings out the best in us.

“By practising self-compassion regularly, we can
turn a harsh inner critic into a supportive inner coach.”

Sometimes, when we need help, having someone on your own side can be incredibly supportive. But what happens when we find that our friends are busy or not available to us? The one person we can count on being there for us 24/7 is ourself.

So cultivating self-compassion, the ability to be on our own side with kindness and understanding, is one of the most important tools we can learn in life, and is a major factor in our wellbeing, confidence and resilience. And when we feel well and happy, we can be more available to be better friends to others, too.

The good news is, our current level of self-compassion is not a done deal. It can be cultivated.

The reflection exercise Being a friend to myself is a great way to gain some insight into our habits around self-compassion.

 

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Content gratefully adapted from the Mindful Self-Compassion Teacher Training Course. Lyndi is a graduate of this course, based on the work of Kristin Neff and Chris Germer. Find out more or register for an MSC course in Brisbane.

Self-care break

We all need to stop from time to time and recharge our batteries. Here’s a practical, 3-min self-care exercise that can decrease stress and increases self-awareness, self-compassion and resilience.

This practice uses the acronym S.N.A.C.K.

S is for Stop and self-care. Permission to stop. We can lift our eyes from our screens, perhaps looking at something soothing like the view out of a window, a plant or a family photo. In this phase, we can investigate a soothing touch… placing a hand on the heart or belly, rubbing the arm, hugging ourselves – whatever feels reassuring.

Once we’ve found our soothing touch, we can appreciate this for a moment. Taking in the warmth from that contact or the comforting sensations from the reassuring rub.

Now we can begin taking soothing breaths. Long, easy breaths… exhaling fully on the out-breath… encouraging a sense of letting go. Tuning into the nourishing quality of the in-breath, the way the body naturally energises itself with oxygen.

N is for Notice. Noticing physical sensations… for example, tuning into the feeling of the earth supporting our feet and legs. Or the seat supporting our weight. Noticing emotions… how are we feeling? A bit anxious, irritated? Bored? Where do we feel this in the body? And noticing thoughts. I’m noticing a thought as I type of, “I hope I’m expressing this practice well!”

A is for Acceptance. As best we can, accepting whatever we feel. We can express this silently to ourselves with a phrase like, “It’s okay to feel this.” Choosing words that fit for us. Even if we’re feeling resistance towards a certain feeling, seeing if we can accept the resistance.

C is for Common humanity. We all feel this way at times. It can be a real relief to remember we’re not alone. Expressing this silently to ourselves, with a phrase like, “Everyone feels like this from time to time,” or whatever words feel right.

K is for Kindness. No matter what life throws at us, no matter how many mistakes we make, we can benefit from treating ourselves with kindness. Perhaps reminding ourselves with a phrase like, “May I be kind to myself in this moment.”

Finally, resting in this sense of kindness, or our soothing touch. Taking a few soothing breaths to complete.

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Many people find that this short practice, which can take just 90 seconds, helps them to pause the accumulation of stress and generate a sense of warmth, acceptance positivity and friendliness that is very motivating.

Just now, as I did this, I experienced a familiar feeling of anxiety and thoughts like, “I’ve got so much to do today! Should I really be blogging?” The practice helped me normalise this and not take it so seriously. Now I have a smile on my face, and though my workload hasn’t decreased, I feel good about continuing and the anxious feeling has subsided somewhat.

Taking a break like this might highlight further needs, like physical or social needs. Maybe we notice we’re feeling stiff and need to stretch, maybe drink some water, or that we feel like talking to someone.

It can be beneficial to drop any expectation that this practice will definitely ‘make us feel good’. It might be that the practice allows us to tune into unpleasant emotions that weren’t so obvious before. Here, we can lean into the acceptance, common humanity and kindness phases. The point isn’t to make us feel good. The point is to get in touch with what is real, acknowledge it and be friendly and kind to ourselves with whatever we’re experiencing.

You can find a guided audio for this practice on the meditation app Aura Health.

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Recently, Lulu Cook and I led this practice for Mind With Heart with hundreds of attendees at conferences with amazing mental health charities Standby and Roses In The Ocean, to help support everyone’s self-care on the day.

If you’re regularly noticing unpleasant emotions and feeling a bit stuck, you might want to get more help with this. Lifeline and Beyond Blue operate helplines in Australia 24/7. If you’re in another country, The Samaritans are an international charity offering emotional support to anyone in crisis.

White orchid

Japanese watercolour,
She towers above the cacti;
A delicate, white geisha
In the soft shadows
Of bashful buds.
Graceful and rare,
Full of life unfolding,
The mystery
Of every second,
In every frond unfurling.

Shady leaves,
Cool and broad,
Green waves paused.

Slender green stems
Climb to the light,
Proud
That tall is nothing to hold onto.

Pure white petals,
Paper-thin,
Pink with pollen powder-paint,
Sprinkled by the perfect artist.

Thirsty little dragon mouths open
Sucking sunfire.

And in her beauty
Is her death:
A whitewash of wilting petals,
Drooping like wet skirts;
See-through crispy curls
Limping out of the limelight,
Graciously bowing out to the
New small stars.

Lady-like, in flower form,
Kuan Yin,
Consort of compassion,
Sings of the beloved.

She is a slip of a kiss
By a rain-soaked window pane;
A jasmine goddess,
An elegant saint;
In fragile purity,
So certain in her choice.

Lyndi Smith, January 2012

I wrote this poem about a beautiful white orchid in Jan and Maria’s house in Copenhagen. The character of the orchid reminded me of another dear friend Verity Pabla.